A Model Agent
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: When Doofenshmirtz enters the Danville Fashion Design Competition, Perry suspects he is up to no good and disguises himself as a female model to figure out and sabotage his plan.
1. Chapter 1

"To squeak or not to squeak, that is the question." Said a mouse agent.

Perry yawned.

Peter the panda chewed absent-mindedly on a bamboo stalk.

Clara the chicken eyed Wendell the worm.

"Thank you for that lovely opening speech, Marlow." Monogram clapped his hands. "I have no idea what was in it, but I am sure it was just wonderful."

"I wasn't done yet." Marlow muttered bitterly. He stormed off of the stage.

"Anyway, to start, thank you all for coming to the annual O.W.C.A awards dinner." Monogram said. "It's extremely pleasing to have so many talented agents here at once."

Kyle the kangaroo picked his nose. Devon the dog launched a pea on his spoon. It hit Darren the duck in the head.

"Do they always have to serve Carl's special mashed potatoes at these things?" Perry asked Pinky the Chihuahua, poking at his food with his fork. The potatoes morphed back into their previous shape.

"It's good for his self-esteem or something." Pinky said. "That's what I heard, anyway."

"Well, it can't be good for anyone's stomach." Perry said. "At least the peas are okay."

"The cupcakes are delicious." Pinky said.

"Yeah. I had seventeen."

"Seventeen?"

"One that Monogram gave to me from the tray he was carrying, and sixteen when he wasn't looking."

"Oh."

"Yeah. My stomach feels kinda funny now."

"And now, Telulah the tapir will present the Golden Dung Beetle award." Monogram said.

Telulah stepped up on the stage. She was wearing little golden bows on her fedora.

"Are those bees on her head?" Perry asked.

"No, they're ribbons." Pinky said.

"Huh, who knew. Forgot to put my contacts in."

"But you're farsighted."

"Then maybe they are bees and you're just trying to throw me off."

"Stop joking around and pay attention to her speech." Pinky chided.

"This award was first created by Donald the Dung Beetle, an incredible agent who captured more villains than any other agent. He was the master of the 'rolling-up-a-giant-ball-to-crush-your-enemies-with' technique."

"Ew. I'm about to lose my lunch." Perry said.

"This award is given out every year to an agent with unique fighting techniques."

"Unique." Perry repeated. He tried to stick his fork in the mashed potatoes. The fork popped out and landed on the floor.

"And this year, the award goes to Darren the duck." Telulah said.

Darren walked up to the front.

"All he does is smack people over the head with chairs." Perry said. "Well, I guess that could be considered unique. I'll give him props for that."

"Thank you, Telulah." Monogram said. "And next, the Golden Monogram award, the best award here. And not just because it looks amazing."

Monogram chuckled. No one else did.

"This award is given to the best agent in the field. And this year, the award goes to one of my own division, Perry the platypus."

Everyone clapped.

"Aw, do I have to get up?" Perry said. "My stomach hurts."

"Go on." Pinky said.

Perry walked up to Monogram and accepted the golden trophy modeled to look like Monogram.

"Would you like to say a few words?" Monogram asked. He handed the microphone to Perry.

"A few words." Perry said. He went to sit back down.

"Excellent acceptance speech." Monogram said. "Now, Peter the panda will present the Golden Bamboo award…"

"So, how has your field work been going?" Pinky asked.

"Good." Perry said. "Whoops, I set my trophy down on the mashed potatoes by accident."

The mashed potatoes began to deflate. They made a gurgling sound.

Pinky shuddered.

"I'm starting to think there aren't actually potatoes in this lump." Perry said. "You know Carl's cooking has been banned in three countries?"

**...**

Perry returned home exhausted and full. He crawled through the petflap and immediately crashed into Candace.

"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace shouted. "WHY IS YOUR UGLY PLATYPUS IN A TUXEDO?"

Perry drooled.

"I don't know, Candace." Phineas said, coming into the kitchen. "Maybe Ferb dressed him up."

"Well, he looks ridiculous. Get him out of here."

Phineas picked Perry up and carried him into his room.

Perry jumped out of Phineas's arms and flopped down on his pet bed. "Bleh."

"How was your awards thingy?" Phineas asked.

"Bubbling lump that had no potatoes in it, sixteen cupcakes when he wasn't looking, bee-covered fedora, rolling villains up in a ball. Oh, and I won a trophy shaped like Monogram. That was my night."

Perry loved being able to talk with the boys. Phineas had rigged up a translator that only he and Ferb could use after remembering the second dimension, and Perry had been communicating with them ever since. They were so much more understanding than the other agents.

"You look tired." Phineas patted him.

"It went on FOREVER." Perry said. "SO MANY AGENTS presented awards. SO MANY AGENTS won things. And I was just sitting there waiting for it to end so I could go home and sleep. Do you know how many hours I've been working for lately?"

"All I know is that you haven't been home very much."  
>"Days and days. Hours on end. I come home, nap for a couple hours, and then I work again at night."<p>

"Why?"

"Doof's been super-active lately. I like him and all, but I'm so tired. I just want him to take a break. But evil never rests."

"When's your next break?"

"I have next-next weekend, and then I go another week until I have a full week off. And that's just if nothing happens that I need to go investigate."

"You should quit." Phineas said.

"Are you trying to be funny? I love my job. It's my second favorite thing to you and Ferb. If I'm not out there fighting evil, I go stir-crazy."

"I just mean, well, you need more breaks. You shouldn't get behind on sleep."

"Yeah… I'm really tired. I'm gonna sleep now, if you don't mind."

**...**

"Look at this picture of adorable baby pandas." Peter said.

He held up a photograph. Perry glanced at it and went back to his book.

"You seem more aloof these days." Darren said.

"I've always been aloof."

"He has." Peter said. "Just not so much the last few months."

"Look at that." Victor the vulture said. He was standing with Bentley the boar in a corner of the room. "It's a book full of all of the baby pictures of the agents."

"You were kind of cute." Bentley said.

"Nah." Victor flipped through the pages.

"Who's that?" Bentley asked.

"Some turkey agent named Terrence who used to work here." Victor said.

Perry narrowed his eyes. He tried to block out their conversation.

"What happened to him?" Bentley asked.

"Who knows? There's a rumor going around that he was rogue and Monogram fired him. There's this other rumor that he went crazy and is in an insane asylum or something."

"Funny thing about rumors." Perry growled, standing up. "They aren't fact."

"Oh, so he did die?" Victor asked. "I also heard he died. He forgot a step in a mission or something?"

"It's none of your business!" Perry snapped.

"Perry, calm down." Pinky said, putting a hand on him. "It's not worth it."

"What is your problem?" Victor asked.

"Just quit spreading rumors about him! The way he died-"

"Machine explosion?"

"SHUT UP, you blabbering idiot!"

"Don't get verbal with me!" Victor snapped.

"Perry, calm down." Pinky said.

Perry shoved him away and leapt on Victor. They grabbed hold of each other.

"Ooh, yay, I'll get popcorn!" Peter said, standing up.

"I like cheese popcorn!" Said Marlow.

Perry slammed Victor against the wall. Gadgets came crashing down over their heads. Perry felt sharp talons scrape against him, and he was shoved to the ground.

Undeterred, he jumped back up and threw punches. Victor dodged the first one, but the second one sent him flying into a table.

"STOP IT!" Pinky shouted. "PERRY! VICTOR! CUT IT OUT!"

The agents excitedly crowded around the fight and began to cheer. Bentley was still looking through the baby agent book, completely unaware of the great event going on in front of him.

Perry was just about to hit Victor in the nose when a hand grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. Carl snatched up Victor.

"How many TIMES am I going to have to PULL YOU OUT OF A FIGHT?" Monogram shouted in Perry's ear.

The agents stopped cheering. The room was completely silent, save for the sound of Peter innocently chewing on his popcorn.

"Go back to whatever you were doing." Monogram said sternly to the other agents.

Peter obeyed by continuing to eat his popcorn.


	2. Chapter 2

"Honestly, Agent P, you need to control your temper." Monogram said angrily.

Perry glowered at Monogram.

"That's the sixth fight you've gotten into this year. And it's only March. This needs to stop."

Perry rubbed his arm.

Monogram's tone became gentler. "Did he hurt you, Agent P?"

Perry shook his head. He only had a few bruises.

"I think you'd better take the rest of the day off." Monogram said. "Go home. Get some rest."

Perry raised an eyebrow. Now Monogram was misinterpreting gestures?

"I'm aware you're unhurt. But I think stress is getting to your head. Go home and rest. That's an order."

Perry had never been happier to do what Monogram wished.

** ...**

_Perry was floating in a relaxing canoe._

_Suddenly it overturned and he fell into the water._

Perry woke up soaked.

"Awwwwww." Phineas said. "You got hair in our fruit punch."

"Why is there a bowl of fruit punch next to your bed?" Perry demanded.

"Why are there twenty-six letters in the alphabet?" Ferb asked.

"Ferb! That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!" Phineas said. "We're gonna invent a new letter!"

"Shaped like my head." Ferb said.

"No, that would just be an F."

"Ugh. Sticky." Perry said. He shook himself off.

"NOT ON OUR SCRAPBOOK! Aww, Perry…"

Hurt, Perry turned to go sleep downstairs.

"No, it's okay. Come back." Phineas said.

"Leaving now."

"Come back." Phineas said sadly.

"I'm messing up everyone today. Might as well go somewhere where I-"

He suddenly felt a jab in his side and fell over. Candace landed on top of him.

"AGGH! PHINEAS AND FERB! YOUR UGLY PLATYPUS TRIPPED ME! AND HE SMELLS LIKE CHERRIES!"

"I'm outta here." Perry said. He dashed down the stairs.

** ...**

"So you just barge into my home, sit down on my couch and start watching television?" Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry glanced at him before changing the channel on the TV.

"Fine, knock yourself out." Doofenshmirtz said in an annoyed tone. "Just don't go past channel thirty. It makes the TV go all weird. I'll just be in the back, working on my latest scheme."

Aside from Phineas and Ferb, Perry felt most comfortable around Doofenshmirtz. He was almost fond of him.

Almost.

None of the television channels had anything interesting.

"Crikey the crocodile…"

"The Carlos the Caring Clown doll has been discontinued for frightening children…"

"The Danville Fashion Competition begins tomorrow…"

"Winto-Breath Toothpaste…"

"Ducky Momo up next…"

"STOP CHANGING THE CHANNEL! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!" Doofenshmirtz yelled.

"You're already crazy." Perry chattered, settling on a movie about a boy who learned how to fly.

** ...**

"Come on, boys!" Linda called.

"Just a second!" Phineas called back. He turned to Perry. "I wish she'd told us before we were going."

"Where are you going again?"

"To my aunt's house for the week. Her baby is allergic to platypuses. Mom called Isabella's mom to watch you…"

"I can't guarantee I'll be home all the time."

"We'll tell her sometimes you hide. Just try to eat the food she leaves before she comes back for the next feeding time."

Perry nodded. If he had known the boys were going to be gone, he would have stayed home for the afternoon. He'd just gotten so ticked about waking up covered in fruit punch…

"You'll have fun." He said. "I'll be all right here. I'll call you."

"We'll miss you." Ferb said sadly.

"Cheer up. I'll be fine. Have a good time."

"Phineas! Ferb!"  
>"COMING!" Phineas shouted.<p>

The boys grabbed their backpacks, hugged Perry, and ran downstairs.

Perry went to the window and watched sadly as the car pulled out of the driveway and drove away.

** ...**

Work was the only thing that kept Perry from feeling lonely.

He washed all the dirty dishes he could find, cleaned up the boys' room, straightened up the living room and did the laundry.

When he could find nothing else to clean up, he sat down on the sofa and tried to fall asleep.

"Agent P!"

Perry looked down at his wrist communicator.

"Sorry to bother you." Monogram said. "But we need you down here immediately. Monogram out."

Relieved to have something to do, Perry jumped up and crawled through his entrance behind the television. He slid through the tube system and landed in his chair.

"It's Doofenshmirtz." Monogram said. "Tomorrow begins the Danville Fashion Competition, and we've just received word that Doofenshmirtz has entered. It would seem innocent enough, but we also found out that Roger Doofenshmirtz is also a participant, and we believe Doofenshmirtz may be up to something evil. The Fashion Competition is a two-week event: whoever creates the best fashions will win a gold medal. And they will also be able to sell their clothing at the Googleplex Mall. We suspect Doofenshmirtz may be in it for the money to fund his evil. Or he could be cooking up some plot against his brother. We need you to go in undercover and make sure that whatever Doofenshmirtz does doesn't happen… if that makes sense."

Perry nodded.

"You'll be disguising yourself as a model. This way you can keep a close eye on him. Unfortunately, this year, the competition is for ladies' fashion, but it shouldn't be too hard to conceal yourself. Male and female platypuses look pretty much the same, save for their body shape, ability to grow eyelashes, obsession with wearing clothes… come to think of it, maybe you'd better head to the agency groomer for help on this."

Perry frowned.

"I'm sorry, Agent P. I know it's a lot to ask. But the world could be at stake here."

Knowing Doofenshmirtz, Perry highly doubted that.

He saluted anyway.

Monogram looked relieved. "Excellent. Again, very sorry for the inconvenience, but evil never rests."

** ...**

"Look what the platypus dragged in." Gustav hissed as Perry entered the groomer's.

Perry glared at him.

"Why are you here?" Gustav asked.

Perry pointed at the door behind him.

"You can't tell me, but you can tell Sideblow?"

"I LIKE Sideblow. I don't like you." Perry responded.

"I have no idea what you're saying." Gustav snapped. "Unless you're telling me about how you brushed your fur in the dark. It's all over the place."

Perry growled.

The door behind Gustav opened, slamming him against the wall. Sam Sideblow, the groomer, walked through.

"Hello, pumpkin." He said, smiling at Perry. "Have you seen Gustav?"

Perry shrugged and pretended to look clueless.

Gustav shoved the door away from him. "He won't tell me why he's here."

"You know why he's here, Gustav. The major called. He's going to disguise himself as a female model to track a villain who has entered the Danville Fashion contest."

"Then he can go ahead and do so." Gustav said pointedly.

"We're helping him." Sideblow said. "We have a lot of wigs and costumes he can use. And he'll need help with his makeup."

Perry winced.

"I can't apply makeup to him. His face isn't the right shape." Gustav sniffed.

"Gustav, I've seen you apply makeup to a pillow before. No excuses."

Perry snickered.

"That was private!" Gustav shouted.

"Are you helping, or should I do it myself?"

"Fine." Gustav grumbled.

** ...**

"What do you think of this wig?" Gustav asked.

Perry made a gagging noise.

"The beehive is all the rage these days." Gustav said.

"Maybe something that isn't quite so… bold." Sideblow said.

"Bold isn't the word." Perry said. "More like 'Vomit-inducing'."

"Fine." Gustav said. He pulled out a wig with straight hair and bangs. "This? Dyed teal?"

Perry yawned.

"I'll take that as a yes." Gustav said. "I'm tired of holding up these things." He tossed it onto a chair.

"Watch the hair." Perry said.

"Find some white dresses while you're back there in the costume closet." Sideblow said. "White's usually a good color to wear. It goes with anything. And it'll bring out the teal. Sit down, pumpkin."

Perry sat down on a zebra-striped chair.

"Does Gustav always make sure his pants match his chairs?" Perry asked.

"He's making a snippy remark about me!" Gustav yelled. "I just know it!"

"Hush, Gustav." Sideblow dabbed a small brush into what looked like dry paint. "Close your eyes for me, pumpkin."

Perry obeyed, but drew back when he felt something touch his eyelid.

"It won't hurt you." Sideblow said. "Just eyeshadow. Gustav, you've made him paranoid about anything going near his eyes."

"I thought we agreed we were never going to speak of that time again." Gustav said, coming out of the closet with a sparkly white dress. He placed it with the wig on the chair.

"Find some matching boots and accessories." Sideblow said. "Please let me finish, pumpkin."

Perry reluctantly allowed him to apply eyeshadow and eyeliner. He wondered if whatever he got paid for this mission was going to be worth it.

"Good, Gustav." Sideblow said, looking through the clothes Gustav had picked out. "I guess all we need to get now is the shape. Female platypuses are slightly skinnier in the middle than the sides. Do we still have a corset from that time you were dressing up your pillow?"  
>"It was an art project!" Gustav protested. He brought Sideblow something that looked like an untied vest.<p>

Sideblow placed it around Perry and began tying up the back. Perry found it was getting slightly harder to breathe. He coughed.

"Don't be so dramatic." Gustav said.

Perry stuck his tongue out at him. Sideblow handed him the contents of his disguise.

After he had put on his matching sunglasses and sunhat, he stood up and waited for Sideblow to tell him if it worked.

"Woah." Sideblow said. "Very good. Can't even tell it's you."

Perry looked in the mirror. He barely recognized himself.

Hopefully, Doofenshmirtz wouldn't be able to recognize him either.


	3. Chapter 3

"Here we are." Monogram said, pulling into the parking lot of the Googleplex Mall. "You two ready?"

Peter the panda nodded. He was disguised in a dashing leather jacket.

"Remember, Peter. You're here to help Perry only if he needs it. If he asks for help, you help him. If not, don't. This warning is for your health."

Perry rolled his eyes and adjusted his sunhat. He was incredibly uncomfortable.

"You look pretty, Perry." Peter said.

"Can it." Perry snapped.

"If anything goes wrong, send out a distress signal. Now. Go."

Perry and Peter got out of the car and headed into the mall. It was very crowded.

A woman was sitting at a table in front of the food court. Her tablecloth had the logo for the Danville Fashion Competition on it.

"Food." Peter said.

"In a sec."

Perry pulled Peter over to the table. The woman smiled at them and handed Perry a card.

"Just put your name on there, beautiful, and you'll be registered as a model for the Fashion Competition. They're choosing models today, so you'd better hurry."

Perry handed Peter the card and went to get food. After he got two plates of pizza, he went back to find Peter sitting at a table near the pizza shop.

Perry handed Peter his share of pizza and sat down across from him. "You'll have to help me think up a girl name, okay?"

"For what?" Peter asked, munching his bamboo pizza.

"I'm disguised as a girl. In case you didn't notice. To monitor Doof at the Fashion Competition."

"Oh, right. I'll help you think of a name."

"Great. Hand me that paper."

"What paper?"

"The paper that the lady gave me to write my name on."

Peter looked thoughtful. "Oh, that was supposed to be your name paper?"

"Yes." Perry said, exasperated. "What did you do with it?"

"I thought that was where we were supposed to write down our lunch order. I wrote down pizza."

"Great." Perry mumbled, putting his face in his hands. "You just named me Pizza. That's a great start to my mission."

"They shouldn't put the register table so close to the food court. People could get confused." Peter said. "Hey, look on the bright side. I could have been in the mood for French Fries."

"My wig is annoying." Perry said, trying to push the hair back. "It's getting into the pizza. I don't understand why female platypuses like to wear wigs."

"For the same reason they like to wear clothes, I guess." Peter said.

** ...**

"Thank you for all coming here." Gaston said. "I am Gaston LeMode, world-famous fashion designer, and I will be judging the Danville Fashion Competition. Each competitor will choose a model and their model will wear their designs for each competition."

One of the competitors began to clap. Gaston frowned. "I wasn't finished."

The competitor stopped clapping.

"I was hoping he was finished." Perry muttered. "I can't wait to get out of here. All these people are making me nervous."

"Take deep breaths and think about a nice big bamboo shoot." Peter said.

Perry looked at him.

"It always works for me." Peter explained.

Perry adjusted his hat and sighed.

"Now, one by one, in alphabetical order, you will come up and choose a model from the ones sitting here." Gaston gestured to the area where Perry was sitting.

Perry nudged Peter. "You're not a model. Find another spot so someone doesn't accidentally pick you."

"Oh, ok." Peter got up. "Remember: Bamboo shoot."

"I'll remember." Perry said.

"Stupid alphabetical order." Perry heard Doofenshmirtz grumble. "There's always some dumkopf with a last name that starts with A or B or C or D, or even Da, or De…"

"Heinz Doofenshmirtz." Gaston said.

"Wow." Doofenshmirtz said. "Never mind."

He walked over to where Perry and many other girls were sitting. Perry tried not to make eye contact.

"I like that one." Doofenshmirtz said.

"Sir, that one is a platypus." Gaston said.

"So?"

Perry suppressed a smile.

Gaston shrugged. "Okay, then. You're working with… Pizza? Madame, I think there's something wrong with this card."

"That's her name." Said the lady who had been working at the table in front of the food court. "Her bodyguard gave it to me."

"Pizza, then." Gaston said. "You two may get acquainted and meet with your driver at the front. Next: Roger Doofenshmirtz."

Peter followed Perry and Doofenshmirtz out of the room. Once they had closed the door behind them, Doofenshmirtz held out his hand. Perry shook it.

"So, I guess you're gonna be my model." Doofenshmirtz said. "Is… is your name really Pizza?"

Perry sighed.

"Don't like to talk about it, I get ya. Anyway, I really think we can win this. Those other models don't stand a chance against us. I mean, speaking from experience and all… platypuses always win. So, I think that's our driver or something."

A burly-looking man in a dark suit and sunglasses was holding up a card that said H. DOOFENSHMIRTZ on it.

"Are you Heinz Doofenshmirtz?" He asked when they approached.

"Yes." Doofenshmirtz said.

"I'm your driver, Burly Bill." The man said.

Doofenshmirtz raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Pizza, Burly Bill… is today like, national weird name day or something?"  
>Burly Bill shrugged. He led them over to a limousine and opened the door for them.<p>

"You first, Petes." Doofenshmirtz said.

Peter got in first. Perry looked up at Doofenshmirtz in alarm. Had he recognized Peter?"

"Go on, Petes. Ladies first."

Perry realized Doofenshmirtz had managed to make up a nickname for Pizza. He gave a sigh of relief and got in the car.

"Do you think they give out free food at wherever it is they're taking us?" Peter asked.

"Probably." Perry said. "We'll be staying at some hotel near Downtown Danville. I think they give out free meals."  
>"Bamboo." Peter said, clapping his paws.<p>

"You look kinda familiar." Doofenshmirtz said, squinting at Perry. "Are you sure we've never met?"

Perry pulled his hat down over his head.

"Eh, all platypuses look the same, I guess. So is this your first modeling gig?"

Perry nodded.

"So we're both first-timers. But don't worry. With my expertise in fashion…"

Perry choked on his saliva.

"…and your ability to look great in pretty much anything, we'll take home the gold for sure."

** ...**

"Woah." Peter said, stepping into the hotel room. "This place is bigger than my lair. I've never seen a hotel room like this."

"Pretty good." Perry admitted, closing the door behind him. "It's got a fridge. I like that."

"And a snack bar!" Peter said. "And a water bed. And a high-def TV."

"Waterbed? That'll only make me dream about having to use the bathroom. What time is it?"

"About ten." Peter said.

"Excellent. I can finally sleep. I don't have to meet up with Doof until tomorrow." Perry removed his wig and hat. "Help me get the stupid corset off. It's shoving my lungs into each other." He took off his dress.

"I'm really bad at untying knots." Peter said, starting to undo it.

"You know why they invented these things? They were created to slowly suffocate people. All you had to do was get them in it, tie it up, and bam, the person's no more. I mean, think about it. It's physically impossible to get off without assistance- OW, you're making it tighter. You're supposed to UNTIE it."

"That's what I'm doing. It just gets tighter in the top when I untie the bottom."

"See? More proof. When the bottom is untied, it makes the top tighter, thereby fully suffocating the victim. It's the ultimate weapon of destruction. Wow, I forgot what it felt like to be able to breathe." Perry flopped down on the waterbed.

Peter tossed the corset onto the floor. "Need help with your boots?"

"No, I can get them off. Air, Peter. You never know how wonderful it is until you've learned to fully appreciate it." Perry kicked his boots off and wiped his makeup off on his arm. "It feels so good to be out of that stupid costume. I'm gonna sleep well tonight."

"Look, they have room service." Peter said. "I wonder if they'll serve bamboo pancakes for breakfast."

"Order whatever." Perry said sleepily. "So long as you don't change my name to Bamboo Pancakes."

"D'you think Doofenshmirtz is up to something evil?" Peter asked.

Perry yawned. "I believe so. Why else would he enter a fashion competition? It's not a very Doofenshmirtz-ey activity. I bet he's trying to sabotage his brother. I'm really tired, Peter. I'm gonna go to sleep, 'k?"

"Ok." Peter was rummaging through the fridge. "I'll be right here if ya need me."

** ...**

"I was running a little late this morning, so I didn't get a chance to make a matching purse or anything. But here's my entry for today's contest." Doofenshmirtz said, handing a set of clothes to Perry. "Try it on."

Perry looked down at the dull-colored clothes, then up at Doofenshmirtz.

"Drusselsteinian-inspired fashion." Doofenshmirtz explained. "Put the blouse on first, then the lederhosen, and then the skirt. I don't think anyone's ever put a skirt on over lederhosen before. Fashion is all about being daring. I read that somewhere."

Perry shrugged and went into the bathroom to change.

The end result of Doofenshmirtz's outfit wasn't very impressive. Perry emerged feeling completely ridiculous.

"Huh." Doofenshmirtz said. "Doesn't exactly fit, does it, Petes? Maybe if I add some flowers on the lederhosen."

The thought made Perry want to vomit on the plush carpet.

Doofenshmirtz quickly went to work, using clay, paint and glitter to make tiny little three-dimensional flowers.

Perry looked down at his outfit. It appeared to be hand-sewn. He felt bad for assuming that Doofenshmirtz had made some kind of outfit-inator.

Why was he going through all of this trouble? Doofenshmirtz never seemed to have the attention span to do so much as walk to the grocery store.

Doofenshmirtz pinned his clay flowers on the lederhosen and smiled. "What d'ya think of THAT, Petes?"  
>Perry gave a polite smile. The flowers made the outfit look much worse than it had before.<p>

** ...**

"And next up, we have Yvonne modeling the latest fashion by Kimberly Ann Dexter: CARLOS CRAZY!"

Perry tried to contain himself as Yvonne waltzed down the catwalk wearing a colorful Carlos the caring clown dress with a matching red nose and orange shoes.

"Revolting." Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry had to agree.

"Thank you, Miss Dexter! Next is Pizza modeling a Heinz Doofenshmirtz creation: DRUSSELSTEIN DELIGHTS!"

Perry headed down the catwalk. For some reason, everyone was clapping instead of laughing like he had expected.

"WOW!" The announcer said. "What an amazing design! The colors! Those gorgeous flowers! That less-than-perfect manufacturing technique! It simply screams 'Drusselstein'!"

Perry went back to Doofenshmirtz, who was beaming as thought he couldn't believe it.

"Did you hear that? They liked it, Petes, they really liked it!"

Perry was completely confused. He watched as the next model went out to the catwalk, wearing what looked like a chicken hat.

Well, maybe Doofenshmirtz's design was amazing after all. Compared to the other ones.


	4. Chapter 4

"We won." Perry said.

Peter looked up from his laptop. "I know. I was watching live on MeTV. But can I just say… I wasn't expecting that."

Perry shut and locked the hotel door. "I think that must be his inator."  
>"MeTV?"<p>

"No. How else could he have won? I mean, sure, the other entries were worse, but there was this one girl who made this gorgeous dress that lit up. I'm thinking Doofenshmirtz created a contest-wininator."

Peter nodded. "That makes sense. But you wore the outfit great. That may have been part of it."

"I smell food."

Peter pointed at the stove. "I made spaghetti."

"I'm saved." Perry rushed over to the stove and scooped out a mountain of spaghetti into a bowl.

"Slow down. You'll throw it up all over."

"Too hungry." Perry said, accidentally spitting spaghetti pieces everywhere.

"Don't they have a dinner after the contest?"

Perry sat down on the floor and shook his wig off. "They CALL it a dinner. It was just a chocolate fondue fountain with little teeny pieces of fruit that wouldn't even satisfy Marlow the mouse. And the main entrée was cucumber sandwiches. Which are delicious, don't get me wrong. But these people have no idea what a sandwich is. Sandwiches are not supposed to be tiny enough to lift up by a toothpick. Each one was barely bigger than the tiny fondue pineapple. And if you take a whole REAL sandwich's worth, everyone looks at you like you're some kind of pig. Ack, this stupid corset won't let the food get to my stomach. Help me."

Peter got down from the waterbed and got it off.

"Seriously. Suffocates you, and then prevents you from eating." Perry said. "Thank you so much for making spaghetti. ACTUAL food."

"You forgot the sauce."

"Doesn't need sauce. Just needs to be in my stomach."

"Ok." Peter said. He got back up on the waterbed. "You know what's trending on MeTV right now? This video of a horse in a bookcase."

"You know what's awesome right now? Pasta."

"What if Doof is just messing with us?" Peter suddenly wondered. "What if he's just entering this competition all normal just to mess with our minds?"

Perry shook his head. "Doof's not like that."

"I guess you're right." Peter said.

** ...**

Perry awoke in the middle of the night.

It was dark in the hotel room. The only sound came from the humming of the refrigerator.

It made Perry feel very lonely. He took out his laptop and turned down the brightness so as not to disturb Peter.

**Owcapplat: you there?**

The instant message looked so lonely, sitting there by itself. Three minutes passed by. Then ten.

Perry sighed. It was the middle of the night. The boys were most likely asleep.

He was about to shut down his computer when an alert flashed onto the screen.

**Phinboy22: yea hi perry**

**Ferbster: hello**

Relieved, Perry typed his response.

**Owcapplat: how is it at your aunt's house?**

**Phinboy22: kinda boring actually. she doesn't have a backyard**

**Ferbster: she does have a treadmill though**

**Phinboy22: we put a bunch of stuffed animals on them and watched them roll off the edge**

**Ferbster: what r u doing**

**Owcapplat: trapped in a hotel room**

**Phinboy22: wow really? doof must be getting better at traps**

**Owcapplat: no not exactly, i'm here because i have to make sure doof isn't up to anything weird**

**Phinboy22: oh and also my aunt has a fan**

**Ferbster: we put stuffed animals on the fan blades and then turned the fan on and then watched them fly across the room**

**Owcapplat: wow lucky stuffed animals**

**Ferbster: you bet your buhlowfish**

**Phinboy22: so wait why are you after doof in the hotel? is he there?**

**Owcapplat: he entered some fashion competition they're hosting here, so i'm incognito**

**Ferbster: oh **

**Phinboy22: incognito as what**

**Owcapplat: …**

**Phinboy22: a contestant?**

**Ferbster: a buhlowfish?**

**Owcapplat: well as a model actually**

**Ferbster: lol**

**Owcapplat: shut up**

**Ferbster: perry is a pretty pretty princess**

**Owcapplat: shut up**

**Phinboy22: wait so are you dressed like a model now?**

**Owcapplat: no only when doof is around**

**Ferbster: perry is a pretty pretty princess and doofenshmirtz is his knight in shining armor**

**Owcapplat: the synonym of shut up**

**Phinboy22: good**

**Owcapplat: i miss you guys**

**Phinboy22: we miss you too**

**Ferbster: wish you were here**

**Phinboy22: yea tomorrow we're gonna buckle stuffed animals into my aunt's car**

**Ferbster: she's always saying that she gets lonely when she has to drive somewhere alone**

**Owcapplat: i know what i'm not getting you two for your birthdays**

**Phinboy22: oh we have to go perry**

**Ferbster: mother just called us**

**Phinboy22: we're going to watch a movie with popcorn**

**Owcapplat: what movie**

**Ferbster: i don't know**

**Phinboy22: some midnight showing**

**Owcapplat: ****:(**

**Ferbster: chat tomorrow maybe**

**Owcapplat: maybe**

**Phinboy22: we love you perry**

**Owcapplat: love you too, enjoy your movie**

**Ferbster: bye**

**Phinboy22: bye**

**Owcapplat: bye boys**

**Owcapplat: miss you**

Perry sighed and closed his computer. For some reason, talking to the boys had made him feel even lonelier than he had been before.

He got up and went to the fridge. The moment he opened the door, Peter rolled over in bed.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Perry whispered. "I didn't think the fridge light was so bright."

"No, I always wake up when I hear a fridge open." Peter said, stretching. "What late-night snack are we having?"

"I was wanting something sweet." Perry said.

"There's tons of ice cream in the freezer." Peter said. "And there are cookies in the cupboard. And marshmallows. And they deliver hot, glazed doughnuts to your room if you want."

"Great. Order those doughnuts." Perry grabbed a large popcorn bowl and began to scoop out tons of chocolate ice cream. He sprayed whipped cream on top and added cookie crumbs.

Peter watched him as he waited for room service to answer the phone. "Isn't that going to give you a stomachache?"

"Maybe. But it'll make me feel better emotionally. There should be a midnight showing of a movie on." Perry dumped the entire bag of marshmallows over the ice cream. "Is there chocolate syrup?"

"In the fridge."

"Great. What about chocolate chips?"

"Cupboard."

** ...**

"Well, can I make a sundae or can I make a sundae?" Perry asked, sticking two spoons into his creation. "I hereby dub this Ice Cream Mountain."

Peter hopped onto Perry's bed. "This mattress is nice and bouncy."

"I like it." Perry said. "I was never fond of waterbeds."

"That's why I got the waterbed." Peter said happily, taking a doughnut and dipping it into Ice Cream Mountain.

Perry took a doughnut and bit into it. "Mmm. Glazey goodness."

Peter switched on the television.

The words "HAPPILY HAPPY" appeared on the screen.

"I love this movie!" Perry exclaimed. "It's an oldie. It's still in black-and-white and everything. That's so cool they're showing it!"

Peter took a spoonful of ice cream. "Never seen it."

"Well, it's about this girl who meets this guy who meets this other girl who loves this guy that loves the first girl who has a sister who loves the guy she met at the beginning… never mind, you'll see soon enough."

** ...**

Peter shook Perry awake. "You slept through the last half of the movie."

Perry rubbed his eyes. "Darn. Did you like it?"

"Yeah. My favorite character was the guy's girlfriend's brother's lover's uncle's best friend's daughter."

"Doris?"

"No, the uncle's BEST friend's daughter."

"Oh, Meredith."

"Yeah, her."

"Thanks for staying up with me." Perry said. "I was really sad."

"Miss home?"

Perry nodded.

"Me too."

"Where do your owners live?"

"I don't have owners. But I live in Seattle."

"Oh." Perry said. "So you get homesick a lot, huh?"

Peter shrugged. "I'm used to being gone a lot now."

"Strange how my home's only a few miles away from here, and I miss it like crazy. Yours is eons away, and you're fine."

"If I'm lonely, it helps me to listen to an audiobook." Peter said. "Want me to play one at a really low volume? It may help you fall asleep."

"Sure." Perry said. He got under the covers.

Peter climbed back into his waterbed and plugged his music player into a little cable on the bedside table.

The audiobook began to play.

"Pandamonium, a book by Preston Panda. This audiobook was presented by the Panda Publishing Company. Read for you by Percival Panda."

Perry slowly began to drift off.

"Primrose was a fine panda. She was black and white, with panda paws and panda ears and a panda nose. In short, she was a panda. I knew her long ago, back when the bamboo shoots grew as tall as buildings, and when it was harvest time we would all go out for the Panda Bamboo festival…"


	5. Chapter 5

"Perry, wake up. Doofenshmirtz just called."

"Did you let the machine get it?" Perry mumbled.

"He's asking for Pizza." Peter said. "The outfit he created is being featured in Mode A La Mode magazine. You have to get your picture taken in it."

"Wonderful." Perry put his pillow over his head.

"Perry, you have to go in like, ten minutes!"

"Wha?" Perry sat up. "Okay. Quick, grab the dress and anything else you can find that goes with my disguisey-thingy."

"I found perfume." Peter said, squirting some on Perry. "You don't really have time to take a shower."

Perry coughed. "Emphasis on FUME. Holy cow, what is that stuff called? Floral overload?"

Peter looked at the bottle. "Midnight Dreams."

"At least it's better than that toilet water stuff or whatever most perfumes are called. All right. Quick, find the wig."

** ...**

"Excellent, sweetie. Just look like you're plotting something."

Perry rubbed his hands together.

"No, no." The photographer said. "Not like that." He walked over to Perry and straightened him up. "Now look behind you without turning your head too much. There you go. Hands in your pockets. Shoulders hunched. There you go. Perfect."

Perry huffed.

The photographer snapped a photo. "Excellent."

"Was that the last one?" Doofenshmirtz asked. He looked just as annoyed as Perry felt.

"Yes, I think we have some excellent poses here." The photographer said. "That is an AMAZING fashion style. You're quite talented."

"I like to think so." Doofenshmirtz said, smiling. "You really think it will catch on?"

"Indeed." Said the photographer. "People will be lining up from all over to buy your designs."

The photographer started packing up his camera.

"You can change now, Petes." Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry sighed in relief and headed toward the bathroom.

** ...**

"It was a strange experience." Perry said.

"So… not fun at all?" Peter asked.

"I don't get why they can't just take a stupid photo. They're like 'Turn your head three degrees to the right. Smile just a little wider. Put your leg behind your head. Put your arm across the pot of flowers'…"

"Really?"

"No, not really. But they had me in these really ridiculous poses that NO ONE would ever get into in real life. In one of them, I was sitting on a bed, holding a flashlight with my thumb and the finger next to it, pretending to bite my index finger on the other hand. Do people HONESTLY read books in bed like that? I mean, you'd hold the flashlight with your whole hand. And I can understand licking your index finger, like if you were gonna turn the page or something. Ugh, so unsanitary. But biting it? I chew on stuff sometimes, but not my finger."

"Maybe they suspect people will want to bite their nails while they wear the outfit." Peter said.

"Sure, because people bite their nails with their back teeth while holding their finger slightly sideways. Slightly sideways, Peter. They actually TOLD me to hold my finger like that. Like anyone's gonna pay attention to my index finger. It's the outfit they're taking the picture for, after all."

"At least you don't have to do it again."

"What if we win again?" Perry groaned. "I'm telling you, he made some kind of win-inator."

"I think so too." Peter said. "It makes sense."

"Still…" Perry said. "He seemed so surprised when he won. And though he's a good actor, the surprise seemed genuine. But if it is genuine… why? Why would he enter a fashion contest, of all things?"

** ...**

"What do you think, Petes? Looks pretty good, doesn't it?"

Perry adjusted his jacket and looked at Doofenshmirtz.

"Best snowsuit ever." Doofenshmirtz said proudly. "I love the way purple and yellow look together. And the yellow totally goes with your blue pantsuit and gorgeous red faux fur on the hood. It's so colorful, it's sure to win!"

Perry didn't have the heart to tell Doofenshmirtz that there was a certain order to the color wheel. He sat down on an armchair and stared at his neon-orange snowboots.

Doofenshmirtz sat down across from him. "So, what's going on with you, Petes? I feel like I don't know very much about you."

Perry shrugged.

"I'm sure I'm winning because of you, though." Doofenshmirtz said. "You wear everything really great. Thanks for doing this."  
>Perry smiled a little.<p>

"I guess you're into fashion." Doofenshmirtz said. "Being a model and all. I don't think I'm really cut out for it. You wanna know why I'm really doing this?"

Perry nodded, hoping he didn't look too enthusiastic.

"Well… you see, I have this older brother named Roger. Mr. Good-At-Everything. I usually build inators- I'm an evil scientist, by the way- to ruin him. Anyway, last week, he won his fiftieth trophy this year. I was so jealous. He wins all this stuff, and I never win anything. I considered making a better-inator so I could be better than him, but… somehow, that didn't make me feel better." Doofenshmirtz sighed. "It felt… so… so hollow. I wanted to really try to win something against him. _Really_ win. Without inators, without anything. Just my raw talent. So when I heard he was entering this competition, I was just compelled to try. I want to beat him at something. I don't care about fashion at all. I just wanted to really win something for once."

Doofenshmirtz looked down at the ground.

Perry felt horrible. He had gone through all this to try and thwart Doofenshmirtz. He had been so sure Doofenshmirtz was up to something.

When all along, all he wanted to do was get some recognition.

Perry felt his eyes get wet. What kind of a creature was he, anyway? So wrapped up with his work at the agency, he couldn't even tell when someone was genuinely trying to do something good for themselves.

"I know. It's awful." Doofenshmirtz said. "And it's been like this my whole life. But now you're here, Petes. And I'm sure you and I are gonna be able to win."

Perry wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"Woah, woah. You're ruining your outfit and your makeup at the same time." Doofenshmirtz handed him a tissue.

Perry smiled at him.

He'd help him win this.

It would make both of them feel better.

** ...**

"So, she like, offered me the pink makeup packet and I was like, what is this cheap junk? It's only twenty dollars. I need quality, you know. I was like, get me the gold pack. And make sure it's name-brand."

Perry jerked himself awake right before he fell asleep in his ice water. "Oh. Yeah. Right."

The only other animal model around was Shay the swan, and her brain might as well have been made of melted lipstick. All she ever talked about was hair, clothing, jewelry, and makeup, and about how everything she owned had to be top quality.

Since Perry was the only one around who could understand her, Shay unloaded all of her sob stories about non-waterproof mascara and broken high heels on him.

"What do you use in your fur?" Shay asked. "It's gorgeous."

"Um… shampoo." Perry said. "And conditioner."

"Yes, yes." Shay said impatiently. "What brand?"

"Whatever I can get at the store." Perry said. "You know those bottles that say 'No Tears' on them? They lie. You still tear up when you get shampoo in your eye. And it hurts."

"You use that cheap stuff?" Shay asked. "Wow. Maybe your hair's just naturally gorgeous. What dye did you use for the white streak on your wig?"

"I don't know."

"You should really check the brand names." Shay said. "You could get ripped off one day, and your hair could turn bright purple. It happened to my sister Selene once. Poor darling. Were you aware one of your eyebrows is slightly longer than the other one?"

"They're actually the same size. When I get bored or annoyed, the one above my more awake eye seems longer. Barely noticeable, though."

"Genius fashionistas notice these things." Shay said.

"I wouldn't say 'genius'. The last guy who noticed stabbed me in the eye."

"It's so nice to meet someone who appreciates fashion as much as I do." Shay said.

"Yeah, Gaston LaMode is pretty obsessed." Perry agreed.

"I meant you." Shay said. "Honestly, Pizza, you're gorgeous. Do you mind me asking, though… what's with your name?"

"It's a long story involving a food bar." Perry said.

"Congratulations on your second win, by the way." Shay said, taking a very small bite of her cucumber sandwich. "I wish my outfit coordinator could make amazing fashions like yours can."

Perry smiled and looked fondly towards Doofenshmirtz. "He can do a lot of things."

"Not very handsome though, is he?" Shay said thoughtfully. "Dreary lab coat. Does he ever brush his hair?"

Perry frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm just saying he isn't as lucky as we are." Shay said. "We're very beautiful, and he's just… well, to be bluntly honest, very homely. His face isn't much to look at."

"In your opinion." Perry said. "I personally think that he looks great. He looks like himself, and that's what everyone should look like. Themselves. And anyway, it's what's on the inside that counts."

"Yes, everyone says that, but your outside is your first impression." Shay said. "And according to the law of symmetry, he's considered ugly."

"I wasn't aware there was a law against not having every single feature a certain size." Perry growled.

"Gosh, Pizza, I'm just saying that I feel bad for him."

"For what? Not trying to look like everyone else? Having his own style? Being happy with who he is?"

"That's not a style, Pizza. That's called letting yourself go."

"You have the brain activity of a CARPET!" Perry shouted. He jumped on Shay and shoved her to the ground.

Everyone turned to look at them as they fought.

"Get OFF of me!" Shay snapped.

Perry punched her in the face. Shay grabbed a tray of caviar and slammed it on Perry's head. Perry grabbed a fistful of caviar and tossed it at her.

Shay shrieked. "My dress!"

"It'll come out in the wash!" Perry snapped. "Or are Laundromats too cheap for you?"

He threw a steak at her. She grabbed him by the jacket and shoved him into the large coffee cake sitting innocently on the buffet table.

"Girls! Cut it out!" Gaston shouted. "You are ruining the buffet!"

"Yeah, I didn't even get to taste the coffee cake yet!" Doofenshmirtz said sadly.

Perry grabbed the bowl of fruit punch sitting next to him and dumped it over Shay's head. Shay yelled in fury. Perry kicked her back. She slammed into a table and lay on the ground.

Perry stood up and glared down at her, breathing hard. He crushed the coffee cake that was in his fists.

Someone took him by the shoulders and led him over to Doofenshmirtz. It was Roger.

"Better watch your model's temper." Roger said kindly.

Perry looked over towards Shay. She had sat up and was staring forlornly at her torn, soaked dress.

"You better watch yours." Doofenshmirtz snarled. "She totally started that fight. I saw it all unfold from my table."

"Shay? She's very calm, wouldn't hurt a fly."

"She hurt a platypus! She slammed a tray on Petes's head!"

"I'd better go tend to her." Roger said, heading over to Shay.

Perry growled.

"Come on." Doofenshmirtz said, holding out his hand to Perry. "Don't let that stupid swan bother you. She was probably just mad because she lost and we won."

Perry grabbed Doofenshmirtz's finger. His anger slowly began to disintegrate.

Doofenshmirtz led him back into the hotel. Perry became aware of how tired he was.

And aware of the fact that he was covered in smashed caviar.

Perry promised himself he would wait until he got to the bathroom before he threw up.


	6. Chapter 6

"Leave it to Roger to pick that model." Doofenshmirtz said. "Was she all Roger-y, just like Roger?"

Perry gave no response.

"I can't believe she smashed you in the coffee cake. She totally deserved that punchbowl to the head. Say, when did you learn to fight so good?" Doofenshmirtz coughed. "Agh, the cold air always makes it harder to breathe."

"Two times as hard." Perry muttered.

"Do you happen to have a cough drop on you?"

Perry pulled one out of his cake-covered purse and handed it to him.

"Thanks." Doofenshmirtz said. "Anyway, don't let them get to ya, Petes. I think you're fantastic."

They stopped in front of Perry's hotel room. Perry dug around in his purse for the key.

"You gonna be all right?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Perry nodded.

"Good. I'll just go back down and explain to them what I think might have probably happened."

Perry watched him go. He sighed and opened the door to his hotel room.

** ...**

"Whoever invented caviar, anyway?" Perry grumbled, trying to wash it out of his wig. "It's not supposed to be food. It's supposed to be in the water with all the big fish. Great, this wig is going to get all jumbled up and I'll have no idea where the hair is supposed to go."

"Good thing you were wearing this puffy coat." Peter said, rinsing the purple-and-yellow jacket out in the sink. "The caviar and cake slips right off. But it's kind of stuck in the fake fur."

"I don't think I'll have to wear it again, anyways." Perry said.

"I'm glad you didn't get in trouble." Peter said.

"I'm just glad I didn't get Doofenshmirtz disqualified." Perry said. "They were considering it. They just messaged me a couple of minutes ago saying it was all cleared up."

"Good." Peter said.

"I hope he wins." Perry said. "It'd make him really happy. And it'll make up for my suspecting him. And we'll beat that jerk Shay."

"I wonder if the prize is bamboo." Peter said.

"Highly unlikely." Perry said.

"You never know." Peter said.

** ...**

"There we go." Said the photographer. "Perfect."

Perry dropped his pose and sat down on the floor. His dress spread out beneath him.

"Tell me, Doofenshmirtz." Said a journalist. "What inspired this design?"

"A parrot I saw once." Doofenshmirtz said. "It had a rainbow-ish color going on, you know? So I took a bunch of fake feathers, arranged them in a rainbow, and stuck them on a dress."

"Love the matching headdress." The journalist said.

"Thanks!" Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry eyed the giant parrot-shaped hat he was wearing.

"Let's get another shot of her on the park bench." The photographer said. "More rainbow on the eyes. The lighting's making it look pale."

A makeup artist applied more eyeshadow. Perry sat down on the park bench.

"Excellent. Try to look wild, honey." The photographer said.

Perry got down on all fours.

"No, not 'platypus' wild. 'Lion' wild. Make a face like you're growling. That's it. Hold up a hand like you're clawing the air."

"Lion? I'm supposed to be a parrot." Perry said under his breath.

"That's it. Hold that pose- beautiful. All right, thank you."

Perry took his parrot hat off. He noticed Doofenshmirtz had made the parrot out of multicolored roses.

"I think this is the best one so far." Doofenshmirtz said happily. "Even better than the neon-green light-up bubble-wrap pantsuit we won with last time."

Perry shuddered.

"How about we go out to lunch? My treat." Doofenshmirtz said.

** ...**

"Nice to not think about work for once, isn't it?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Perry shrugged.

"Or are you one of those people who likes to work all the time? It's kind of weird to want to work all the time. I mean, no offense, but weird."

Perry took a bite of his grilled cheese.

"You know, you'd really like my nemesis." Doofenshmirtz said. "His name is Perry the platypus. Something about you reminds me of him."

Perry tried not to make eye contact.

"Nice guy. I haven't seen him in a while." Doofenshmirtz looked kind of sad. "I mean, you'd think he'd have come by now to see what I was doing. Or maybe at least come to one of the shows…"  
>Perry handed Doofenshmirtz a French fry.<p>

"Thanks, Petes. Anyway, I hope you can meet him someday. I'm pretty sure he's single. I mean… I never asked, but I'm pretty sure."

Perry nearly choked on his grilled cheese.

"Eat slower." Doofenshmirtz said. "I don't want anything to happen to you. Our last competition is tomorrow. I gotta work on your outfit. You know… I'm kind of going to miss you, Petes. We should keep in touch after we win this thing."

Perry smiled.

"Good. Because we ARE going to win this thing!" Doofenshmirtz high-fived him. "I gotta run now. Enjoy your lunch."

** ...**

Perry found Peter in the judges' conference room.

"Picture this." Peter was saying, pointing to a screen with a picture of bamboo on it. "The ceremony of the last competition begins with a bamboo chariot…"

"Peter!" Perry said. "You're not a judge. And they can't understand you, anyways."

"Oh yeah." Peter said.

He followed Perry out of the room. The judges were staring at the bamboo and scratching their heads.

"You worried about the last competition?" Peter asked.

Perry shook his head. "If Doofenshmirtz managed to win every single one in the past two weeks with those ridiculous creations, I doubt we'll lose now. Even as it stands, we're in the lead by like a hundred points."

"I need a snack." Peter said.

"Okay. I'll meet you in the room. I'm gonna take this stupid disguise off."

They split up. Perry went to his hotel room. He found the door already unlocked.

Cautiously, Perry pushed it open. Doofenshmirtz was sitting on the waterbed, staring at him.

"Hello." He said. He looked angry.

Perry tried to figure out how to give him a "What-are-you-doing-here-and-how-did-you-manage-to-get-in" look.

"Don't look so innocent." Doofenshmirtz snapped. "I came in here because I needed another cough drop. I found THIS instead."  
>He held up Perry's wallet and opened it. Perry's pictures fell out.<p>

"At first I thought it was strange you'd have pictures of me AND Perry the platypus in your wallet. And then I found THIS."

Perry took a step back.

Doofenshmirtz held up Perry's driver's license. "I found MORE things too. But I'm not going to go into that. I can't BELIEVE you, Perry the platypus. I CAN'T _BELIEVE_ YOU."

Perry looked down at the ground.

Doofenshmirtz slowly approached him and yanked off his wig.

"I knew it. Somehow, somehow I just knew it. I can't believe you think that every time I go off and do something, it's because I'm up to something evil. How judgmental is that? I didn't build a single inator, Perry the platypus. I was winning this contest by completely fair means. And I bet you were planning on ruining it for me, weren't you? Weren't you? Don't you DARE deny it."

Perry bit his lip and looked shamefully up at Doofenshmirtz.

"I don't even care anymore." Doofenshmirtz said, his eyes starting to water. "Do whatever you want. Go run off back to the agency. I don't care if you don't show up tonight. You were just gonna blow it all up anyway. I can't believe I ever thought of you as a friend."

Doofenshmirtz shoved past him and stormed down the hallway.

Perry closed and locked his hotel door. He sat down on the floor and buried his head in his hands.

** ...**

"These noodles are really good." Peter said.

Perry nodded. He stared out the window. Everyone looked so small from up high.

"Sorry Doofenshmirtz got mad at you." Peter said. "But he'll get over it. Come on, Perry. You love egg noodles. Have a bite."

Perry shook his head.

"They're doing a rerun of Protector Pandas. It's a great movie. We can watch it."

"I'm going to the competition." Perry said.

"I thought Doof didn't want you to." Peter said.

"I'm not just gonna abandon him."

"He'd abandon you."

"I know. But I'm not that kind of person." Perry grabbed a green dress from the closet. "Call Burly Bill. Tell him we need transportation. The final competition's at Danville Arena."

"They've done it in this hotel all the time." Peter said. "Why'd they switch?"

"Probably to make this situation even more dramatic. Call him." Perry said. "Hurry."

** ...**

"Yes. We'll be there fast." Burly Bill said. "Faster than fast. Even_ faster_ than faster than fast."

"Is he mumbling to himself?" Perry asked, trying to apply his eye makeup with a tiny mirror. "I can't hear him."

"I'm a little concerned about him." Peter said softly. "He appears to be talking to himself. And he's going extremely fast. Faster than fast, even. Is that kind of traffic dodging even legal in this state?"

Burly Bill was gripping tightly onto the steering wheel.

"I'd hate to dodge in a limo." Perry said. "Limos were invented because this one guy wanted to make a car that couldn't get through traffic without knocking like six cars out of the way."

Burly Bill whirled around a corner. Peter crashed into Perry.

"OW! I think I just clamped my entire eye with the eyelash curler. These things are dangerous."

"I spilled my bamboo juice." Peter said.

"Yeah, into my GOOD eye."

"Sorry."

"Can you be the lookout? Tell me when Burly Bill's about to wheel the car halfway around." Perry started to redo his eyeshadow.

Suddenly the car stopped. Burly Bill turned to look at them.

"We're out of gas." He said.

Perry and Peter groaned.

** ...**

"He'd better hurry up and fill up that tank." Perry said.

"At least it was easier for you to put on your makeup with the car stopped." Peter said.

Perry looked at his watch. "We're losing time. If I don't get there… I feel so bad. I never should have left my wallet just lying around."

"We'll get there!" Peter said.

"We will get there." Perry said. "I just hope we get there in TIME."

"Or alive." Peter said. "Alive would be good. Are you sure Burly Bill isn't insane?"

Burly Bill got back into the car. "Filled it up. Now, let's get you to this arena competition."

Peter drank some of his bamboo juice.

Burly Bill started the car. They zoomed away.

Bamboo juice splashed all over the backseat.

"Whoops." Said Peter.


	7. Chapter 7

Burly Bill skillfully parked the car next to Danville Arena.

Everyone was standing outside, snapping photos of the limo.

"No one's even gotten out yet. Jeez." Perry said.

Peter tried to adjust the straw in his bamboo juice. "I'm all wet."

Perry put on his high heels and opened the door. He tried to ignore all of the people as he walked past them.

"How do you walk in those?" Peter asked.

"Walk-in-high-heels training." Perry said. "Monogram was right. It did come in handy."

"Can you run in them?"

"Physically impossible, Peter."

They entered Danville Arena. A man was standing by the door, looking anxious.

"There you are, Pizza." He said. "They're about to start! You have to get into your outfit!"

He ushered Perry toward a dressing room. Peter waved goodbye and gazed at the trophy case at the front of the room.

"Hey, cool!" Peter said. "They have star athlete Jameson Johnson's bronzed gold trophy!"

** ...**

Perry didn't understand his outfit.

There wasn't anything strange or weird about it at all. It was simply a sparkly, light pink dress with a matching leather jacket, cowgirl boots, and sequined beret.

"Are you sure this is mine?" He asked, even though he knew the makeup artists wouldn't be able to understand him.

"Hold still." One of the artists chided.

Perry didn't understand why he had bothered putting on makeup in the limo if the artists were just going to redo it.

"Dye the wig pink." A man said.

"That will take a while. And will have to sit for ten minutes. We're short on time as is." The hairstylist objected.

"It was requested by the competitor. You're not dying all the fur, anyway. You can make it if you start now."

Perry was confused. During the past two weeks, Doofenshmirtz hadn't really cared what style the wig was in.

Then he remembered how much he hated wearing pink.

"Tryin' to make me bail on you." He muttered. "Well, you'll be disappointed. I'm not going to."

The hairstylist sat him down in a chair and began.

"Weird." He said. "This hair dyes really easily."

"It's a wig, dimwit." Said a makeup artist who obviously wasn't fond of the hairstylist. "Platypuses can't grow their fur that long. I'd think you would have known that, Joel, being a hairstylist and all."

Joel scowled.

** ...**

Perry ran up the stairs to the middle of the arena. He saw Doofenshmirtz moping in a chair.

He walked over to him and poked him. Doofenshmirtz gloomily looked at him.

Then he brightened.

"You came, Perry the platypus, you came! Well… I kind of knew you would. But still, I was beginning to have my doubts. You came! This is wonderful."

Perry nearly choked when Doofenshmirtz hugged him. "Corset- corset- thirty percent of the air I usually breathe in-"

Doofenshmirtz let go and beamed at him.

"The final competition!" Gaston bellowed through a microphone. "Whoever wins this gets the GOLDEN TROPHY OF FASHION! And if Doofenshmirtz wins, since he is currently in the lead, he wins that AND the grand prize! LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN!"

Everyone cheered.

All the models walked into the center of the arena. Gaston examined each one carefully.

"Very nice design…" He said, looking at Shay. He moved on to the next model. "Ooh, what colors. I like this one…"

He stopped at a tall model, wearing a dress that had obviously been modeled after a peacock. He gazed at it for a while, and then moved on to Perry.

"Gorgeous. I love how the color gives us what would have been an overload of pink had it not been subtle and light. Very, very nice design. The cloth says 'I am delicate' but the leather says 'I have a tough outer shell'. Very nice. Well worn."

While Gaston looked at the other models, Perry looked out into the audience. Doofenshmirtz was sitting in one of the chairs. He looked extremely happy.

Perry smiled at him.

** ...**

"After a long, thoughtful decision…" Gaston said.

"That makes sense." Perry muttered.

"I came to a conclusion." Gaston said. He paced the arena. "The winner of the Danville Fashion Competition is…"

Everyone seemed to be holding their breath.

Gaston grinned and threw out his arms. "HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ!"

Doofenshmirtz jumped up. Perry grinned at him.

"Congratulations!" Gustav said. He handed Doofenshmirtz a giant trophy. "You win this, the prize money of five thousand dollars, and the grand prize- A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BAMBOO!"

Peter ran into the arena, cheering.

Perry rolled his eyes. The judges had obviously understood Peter's pitch.

"Yeah… I'm gonna give that to my model's assistant." Doofenshmirtz said. "I don't really need that much bamboo."

Peter cheered as a giant truck drove into the arena, loaded with bamboo.

** ...**

"I won something! I can't believe I finally won something!"

Perry smiled wearily at Doofenshmirtz and removed his wig. "Man. The last time I'll ever have to wear this stupid disguise."

He wiped his makeup off and took off his outfit.

"Drive us home, Burly Bill." Doofenshmirtz said.

The car didn't move.

Peter helped Perry undo his corset.

"Finally." Perry said. "Finally, I'm back to just being myself. Oh, and I can breathe. Hey, why aren't we driving anywhere?"

Burly Bill was staring at Perry, his eyes wide.

"Oh, I guess the whole time he knew you, you were a girl." Peter said.

Perry put on his fedora. "Yeah, Bill. I'm a dude, by the way."

Burly Bill stared for a few more minutes.

"Anyone else need to change before I drive?" He asked.

All three of them shook their heads.

"All right, then."

Burly Bill turned the key in the ignition and drove away.

The large pickup truck holding pounds of bamboo followed them home.


End file.
